i can't seem to silence these voices

falling is peculiar... because it's not until you reach the bottom of the hole, that you can start to climb your way out.
so does this mean that every time you fall in love... you will hit rock bottom and have to pick yourself off the floor and dig your way out... no because love is like a crazy safety net that noone can puncture... real love is inpenetratable.

you've got the love I need to see me through

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQZhN65vq9E



my grandmother once told me "people won't love you unless you love yourself" and to me it's interesting that we spend our lives self improoving in order to impress oither people, when our biggest critict.... is ourselves.

on the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright

the story of me and you isn't a tragedy, it isnt a horror , it's a comedy. because i must laugh at how naiive and stupid i was to fall for you or anyone like you. We are a sitcom, because in real life, out story seems impossible, and we are a mystery, because honestly, what the fuck were we doing?

Ri Ri

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

it's the beautiful people they want, it's the beautiful people they flaunt

heres a lsit of things i can't do

i cant imagine my life without glitter
i cant stop loving people when i should
i cant tell my mother and father how much i owe them
i cant simpathize with teenage moms.... WEAR A FUCKING RUBBAHHH
i cant spell very good
i cant wait to GTFO of boston latin
i cant tolerate people who talk about the dumbest shit
i cant remember dec 31/jan 1 of last year
i cant get past how much i hate my neck...
i cant lick my elbow.... and i will not lick yours.
i cant date a white boy
i cant imagine what id do if i met nicki minaj
i cant sit in a room with a baby momma and not try to attack her
i cant stop wearing that bracelet i stole from you.... :)
i cant stop thinking about how great sex with seijah drake or khadeejah clemons would bee
i cant fall in love again and get hurt... im nto strong enough
i cant not talk shit and stare about napppy headed hoodrats
i cant say a bad thing about thais glazman.... shes truely a best friend
i cant date a dude with a VAGINA.... i didnt ask forr u too tickle mee... lets FUCK.
i cant not be dissapointed in how i look... i have so much to improoove.
i cant apologize enough to every red head... you were truly cursed. ( besides a few)
i cant believe how far i have come since 2009... im the baddest fucking bitch
i cant stop smokinnggg
i cant fucking wait for KE$HAAA GET SLEAASSSYY TOUURR APRIL 12, 2011
i cant thank lady gaga enough for helping me unleasshhh the inner fucking beast.
i cant stop swearing
i cant let a girl take the train at night by herself without worryingg the whole time
i cant ever hate jesus.... but i can hate the catholic church
i cant apologize enough to everyone ... im sorry i was the ugliest 7th grader ever..
i cant not laugh at a fupa
i cant understand wtf dr. yu sayssss
i cant wait to fucking graduateee BLSHIT
i cant thank kerry goode enough for changing my life, ill always be here, Kylie Marie
i cant ski or snowboard or skateboard or surf
i cant make a babyy
i cant donate a kidney... i only have one
i cant remember my natural hair color
i cant forget my struggllee to get where i am
i canntt stoppp being fucking awesommmee
i cant dislike miley cyrus
i cant stop getting tatttoooss...
i cant predict the future
i cant deal with hoes
i cant spend my life alone
i cant settle for average
i cant have big fun... if hes got a smalll dick
i cant be as cool as willow smith
i cant imagine who will take over as Bls queen bitch when i leave... hmmm
i cant thank my friend enough... thank you for the nights, the drinks, the smiles, the laughs, the yelling, the smokee filled rooms, the glitter, the dancing the love
i cant offer any words of kindness to haters... they can just kill themselves.
i cant laugh it off... if you piss me off.. ill bite ya headz off
i cant save money
i cant not smile.... even if its jsut a fake smillee... always a smile


fuck bitches.... get money... ditch the bitch

when your sky is looking troubled, you can count on me, cause im gunna stay

i love you more than i did before

there are certain things i will never be.

i will never be a Lil' Kim fan
i will never be poor begging for money,
i will never be happy with my appearence
i will never see Avatar
i will never compromise who i am to make someone like me
i will never change into a woman
i will never be as skinny as i'd like
i will never wear flip flops and socks
i will never judge people for what drugs, etc. they have consumed
i will never stop being TEAM LINDSAY
i will never not look forward to the miss USA pageant
i will never eat meat again
i will never love a man anything like myself
i will never steal for the poor or less fortunate
i will never dislike someone because they wear furr
i will never tolerate someone eating veal around me since it is baby calf torture
i will never shot at tellos
i will never get so old that i need assisted living
i will never decide on a permanent hair color
i will never eat tuna , the smell is nausiating
i will never respect a man who mistreats his wife, girlfriend, lady friend, woman
i will never sit there and watch injustice happen to people who will not fight back
i will never tell when i am fake smiling or laughing
i will never break down and cry in front of a crowd
i will never let homophobia effect my life
i will never be friends with people who bring me down
i will never not like someone, just because my friend doesnt
i will never not help a fellow LGBT person, we are the smallest minority around
i will never judge someone by where they came from or where they've been, ex. oprah
i will never let myself be disrespected
i will never get with someone ugly, beauty isnt everything, but it's something
i will never be what people want me to be.
i will never stop swearing
i will never stop being a barbie
i will never be formal, i am not a formal handshaking person, im more of a hugger
i will never stop loving miley cyrus
i will never let someone insult any memeber of my family, they are incredible
i will never wear paisley in everyday attire
i will never wear one of those hats made out of a racoon
i will never go on a date with a boy to "the cheesecake factory" or "unos"
i will never be ashamed of what i am, i am gay and i am immensly proud of myself
i will never forget my nana and how she showed me she was fashionable til age 77
i will never not be arroused by the smell of Chanel No. 5
i will never go to the movies with ms. markiewicz, ever, or kalamazoo college.
i will never stop following my dreams
i will never loose touch with my family
i will never stop improoving mysself
i will never wear comfortable shoes with slip guards or crocs
i will never again let someone i loved tell me to loose weight, then he'd love me
i will never stop praying for the troops and people who are sick every single night
i will never loose my hatred for baby mamas, bitches think we all owe them something
i will never be a baby daddy
i will never choose between two friends, ill ditch you both, sawwwhz.
i will never get over how incrdibly ugly whitney port is,,,, love her style tho
i will never get talked out of something i really want
i will never have sex in public... no jailtime for mee
i will never doubt how fucking fabulous i am
i will never wear a hawaiin shirt, ever.
i will never remember that boys name, the one i was supposed to facebook, but forgot
i will never forget where i came from, and how far i've come
i will never chase after someone who doesnt want to be chased
i will never loose respect for my father and the sacrifices he makes
i will never stop giggling at people who fall down stairs
i will never admit it if i buy a new outfit for a date
i will never tell my secrets to beingg the baddest fucking bitch
i will never stop loving my dog Prince, he is my best friend.
i will never take kindly to authority
i will never not warn a brother when i see the policccceeeeeee
i will never send naked pics to some nasty ass banshi who will make a smutt page
i will never forget bridgette nee
i will never not defend hannah montana.
i will never doubt myself
i will never hate myself

standing here with my flag held high, can't you see that it's worth the fight

i cry, and you'd never know. i love you but it never shows


if theres one thing i've found, it's that in life there are certain things that just make you smile, regardless of your mood, day, etc. for me, one of those is music. whether its the loud music blocking out reality, the lyrics that explain my life, the melody that follows my heart beat, the instruments that give me butterflies, or the lead vocals that are exactly what you needed to hear. i listen to every word an artist has to say, i try to understand what it means and what they were feeliong when they wrote it. i enjoy the melodies and harmonies, the Bass and the Treb, the hook that is always what makes a song good. whther its about a bad romance, a party in the usa, or a rude boy, a song is a piece of art. and the person who created that art or even just performs it should be acknowledged.

thank you to miley cyrus, lady gaga, nicki minaj, rihanna, ke$ha, pink,katy perry, hayley williams, taylor swift shakira, beyonce, britney spears, madonna, remy ma, lily allen, alicia keys, keri hilson, christina aguilera, kylie minogue, florence welch,demi lovato, natascha beddingfield, jennifer hudson, shontelle, eminem drake, adam lambert, lil wayne, jay z, KANYE, tyga, nelly, justin bieber, jonas brothers, and the rest of you fabulous bitches foir writing fabulous music.

it's not your fault i'm a bitch i'm a monster

if theres one thing you need to understand, that head over heels bitch is gone,
i understand all the shit you did to me was stupid and wrong.

this time won't you save me

"save me," I called out as I fell further into the hole.
being lost is one thing, and being stuck is another. i am not lost, i know exactly where i am going and i know how to get there. i am stuck in this mediocrity i call Boston Latin School. it's funny, after spending 5 years in a place it starts to feel like home, latin feels like a prison, or a house arrest bracelet... i know exactly where im going and how to get there, but i cant get away from these confindments. im a bright kid, not dumb, not vulnerable, not foolish, i could excell anywhere i went, a student with a's and b's... instead i walk my marathon every day in a school that is only bringing me down. i am not a quitter, but i am realistic. i realize that i will not be able to continue my career at bls without going completely insane. the childish rules, the immature unqualified teachers, the babies that consume 1/3. i walk the way i do, i talk the way i do because i am comfortable with who i am. i am not what people expect or want me to be. i live twith the insecurity of never being good enough, constantly changing myself, wanting improvements becaus eno matter what, i cannnot be happy with myself. i am Bri Vandecamp. i do not need to put my personal life in everything i do, i dont need to cry in public, i dont need to frown when someone insults me, i need to keep my head high and keep smiling. smiles are funny things, you can be legitimately happpy, or you could be doing the infamous fake smileee which i have become quite accostumed to... i constantly think about how if i could only find the light in the tunnell.... id find my way out. that light is not anywhere to be found at bls. i want to find my way out of this school, town, city, state/ i want to be amonst the glitter and sequins, the flashing lights, the smiles, the tears the heartbreak. im readyy... i just need to get un-stuck.


"save me," I called out as I fell further into the hole.

lips

this night is sparkling,

I think of how much my life has changed in the past year and i gotta shake my head, positively and negatively. Coming out of the closet is like saying i love you for the first time to that perfect someone. you have the ability to do it all along, but your just not quite ready until that perfect moment, when you just are. October 2, 2009, i came out as being a homosexual. October 2, 2009 i started to love myself. October 2, 2009 i found who i was, and improved him. theres certain moments in life when you need to find yourself, or "soul search." that happened for me this year... in big ways. i became a vegetarian exactly one year ago, i got piercings, tattoos, and different hair colors this past year, i smiled, laughed, fell in love, sang, got hurt, and picked myself back up again this past year. i got so drunk i couldnt remember my name, but i never forgot to drunk dial those certain people. i made new friends, and ditched the bitches in my life. i cried over things noone should ever cry over, over people, over fights, over things i was called, over love. I realized that the person i cannot seem to make happy is myself, and that i need to sort out my personal issues, and by personal and literally meann me and myself. in thiese past three hundred and sixty five days, i have come out to my parents, friends,siblings, mentors, peers, coworkers, whoever would listen and most importantly, myself. a topic that used to be soo scarey for me to discuss.... is noww nothing. i cant imagine my mind as a straight man... dealing with girlies on a personal level and their.... coslopus(s). I have discovered that when you know, you KNOW. if you KNOW a person is trouble... they are TROUBLE. you know that each time you say a fake i love you to a certain blonde whom you no longer talk too will come back to bite you. you understand that living is short, and you must start your craziness early. that no matter what happens, you must percervere.i realized that strength is something you must build up, and that i am a very emotionally strong person. i am the Brie Vandecamp of every friend circle, i will never show it when i am sad, unhappy, depressed, hurt. but you will know when i'm mad. i get mad over little things, so much it pains me. i learned this year that love is the realest emotion you can feel... and that for me, now, its my friends and family i love and that a boy is not what i need now. ive learned i look great in sequins and glitter, and i truly belong amonst the fabulous. my future is in fashion, and fashion is my future. if i dont look good, i have nothing. i realized bls is not nthe school for me, and blonde is NOT my natural hair color... i realized i would pbe nothign without my friends, theres too many too name, i realized nicki minaj saved my life and put the freak back into me. i am not normal, never have been, and don't wanna be. but i am also not weird. i turn heads when i walk, and i make people gossip. i wear whatever i want, but allways look good. i always do my hair, because for me, i do not "slum" it. i realized how much i respect my sister ann-marie for her intellegence and endurance. i respect my brother for the man he has become, he is an amazing person and will be very successful. and my sister siobhan, the heart and soul of my family, the girl with the big dreams, who will bno doubt reach every one. I have respect for people who dream big, because i do too. 365 days, new hair color, nose piercing, tattoo, new clothes, new friends, but im still me... the funny, kind, bitchy,fabulous gentleman i was raised to be :) CHEERS to 365 more :)

there i was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles

the difference between drownding and not being able to swim is easy. not being able swim is on you, when drownding can be caused by an outside influence... i am drownding.
ive been told that highschool may seem like forever, but you have a whole life ahead of you... but when did it come synonymous that highschool decided your future, and highschool decided whether or not you can have a future. when did highschool have the right to prevent someone from following their dreams, when did highschool get premission to ruin someones life. this is why i hate highschool, and cant wait to get as far away from it as i can.
the difference between passing and failing is easy. passing is swimming to the other side of the river, failing is drownding...

tattooo

hairrrrrrrrr

dear __________

boom boom boom booom , pounding in my head, all these haters would prefer me dead.
but i wont die, never have .never will,never can,my heart beatys like a marchin band.
i don't own now surrending white flags, i dont apologize for doin whats right,
i dont like violence cause it leaves scarves, with my wits and heart i fight,
i do not take easily to stereotyping, because everyone is unique,
some like to be kissed on the lips for show,some like a sutle peck on the cheek.
its tyhe calm before the storm, its the booom before the fire,
when the smoke rises from the explosion, youll realize you are a liar,

i can't stop thinkin about him

if you request me again on faceboookk... i will bnot be accepoting.


you couldve had every part of me... now you cant even touch me.i would have given you my loveee.....now i cant even look at you.


suddenly my cellhpones blowing up... stop fucking calling me. we arent freinds. BYE.


you make me soo angry... and its sad. cause i love you.


i love you incrasingly.. at this point in my life.. i neeeded sonmeone like you.

and it hits me, like a title wave

" i think i just need a break from you" cuts me like a knife... what happened to the once kingdom we had together... our friendship was built up into this massive pallace... but like all the rest... our walls came crumbling down. I used to look at you with huge eyes, in awe, how could i ever meet someone so incredible... now i look at you with anger, regret, sadness, how could someone do this? and to their 'best friend' .... i could have walked you up the alter at your wedding.. i could have babysat your child while you and your husband ( who would be hardworking and funny just like your father cause i know thats your dream guy) go on some lavish vaction or to the bruins game or maybe jsut a night out.
everytime i meet someone, i instantly like themm... i try to keep all the bad stuff from gettign to me.. i dont wanna know the bad stuff about a friend... i stopped needing to fight away the bad stuff about you... cause their was none... until now.













guess it's jsut a silly song about how i love you, and how i lost you...

sh.................

when you text me... i want to scream. we had a nichole richie paris hilton decline.... and you havent even noticed.


16 + 5 = 21.... but your still 16 so stop fucking drinking. your trashy, have no class, and we are NOT friends.


the difference between me and you iss when you out on anything but that one outfit you look cute in.... your ugly as my foot. ugly people be QUIET.

12:42 am. I lie awake, with a whole in my heart.

12:43 am. Watching the clock... oh so sloowwwly. i need you.

12:47 am. text me, call me, tell me you love me, tell me you hate me,JUST TELL ME.

12;52 am. lying awake, lying to myself, i don't need you but i do. i do i do.